How to know if you’re sleepwalking through your life

It’s not always easy to tell if we’re on the right path in our lives.

Years can slip by without us acting on impulses we’ve had for a while. We put things off, thinking “now’s not the best time for that,” telling ourselves that there’ll be a better time for it later.

And other times we might very well be on the right path–say trying to complete med school, or getting a business off the ground, or raising a child–but it’s one of those paths where palpable results don’t come for years, and gratification takes forever, that it can seem like we’re getting nowhere.

No life worth living is exempt from days where we feel like it’s all gone wrong.

But one little test can wake you up real quick and let you know if you’re not on the right path:

Tell yourself you have cancer.

And it’s bad.

In fact, you’ve only got 6 months to live.

Because that’s what happened to me not long ago.

I was in the shower one morning and noticed a rather large lump “downstairs” where there’s not supposed to be a lump. Then I noticed there was some blood in a fluid that’s not supposed to have blood.

And then I said a bad word. Many, many, many times.

As soon as I was out of the shower, I did what any modern-day Sherlock Holmes would do: Googled the two symptoms for a diagnosis. (Note: do NOT do this. Unless you desperately want to send yourself down the Rabbit Hole Of Inescapable Doom™.)

There was one undeniable diagnosis that explained them both: testicular cancer.

I’ve got two doctors in my family and about 20 friends who are physicians too, and they’ve all said again and again that of all the cancers you don’t wanna get, you really don’t want to get testicular cancer. It can take you out in months. Only thing worse is pancreatic.

While I knew damn well that this could be explained by some other diagnosis, I dove straight for the most “whoa is me” scenario I could imagine: that my cancer was too far advanced, that maybe I had it worse than any doctor had ever seen in human history, and I was certainly headed for the grave. I would become the tragic romantic hero whose life was being stolen from him and had to make the most of what was left.

And so how to do that?

Rather than what things I wanted to do, I focused on what feelings I wanted to have. Which, simply put: was to feel ALIVE.

Because I wasn’t going to be alive much longer. I was a dead man, after all. Gone.

Now, before you feel too much more sympathy for me, save it. Because sure enough, after a trip to a urologist, some bloodwork and an ultrasound of my family jewels, it all turned out to be a false alarm. There’s a condition called Epididymitis that presents almost as identically as testicular cancer, but is treatable with antibiotics instead of chemo and surgery, and you’re fine a week later. Thank God.

But, for 4-5 days, I didn’t know this.

My lumpy testicle was undeniable proof I was dying. And soon.

And this existential dread is actually something I think everyone should experience.

Because you start thinking about what you want to do with your remaining time REAL quick. And the missing pieces become very clear.

So, what was missing that would make me feel alive? I knew I wouldn’t find it in the 13th floor of an office building on Broadway in New York City. I made my living as a writer in the advertising world as a writer. I’d had a pretty good run of it, working for brands I really believe in, and most of the time I’m grateful for to make a living in the creative arts.

But the greatest bliss I’ve ever experienced comes from creating music. Particularly in the studio, watching a seedling of an idea spread its wings and take on a life all its own. While I’d put out 4 albums and even gotten a song to #40 once, it had been 4 years since my last one. I was disappointed it didn’t go as far as I’d hoped (welcome to the music biz, kid!), so I’d been bashful about taking another swing. But the idea that I might be dead in 6 months without having taken another swing sent a shiver of shame down my spine. It made me realize I was being chicken.

It was time I send out another barbaric yawp into the universe–universe’s reaction be damned.

So, while a few days later, I found out I wasn’t dying, and sadly I wasn’t a tragic figure, the damage had been done: I knew I had to go back into the studio.

Otherwise, I was sleepwalking through my life. I’d gotten “comfortable,” complacent, putting off passion in the name of practicality.

And none of us should be coasting along while our true desires lie dormant.

So, many months later, I’m proud to say, that new song is out there. It’s called “Start a landslide,” it’s the best song I’ve ever recorded, and it’s here if you wanna listen.

But I didn’t let it stop there. I’ve also finally gotten around to writing a full-length book–a memoir about my deceased father and I and our mutual love affair with cars. It’s called “The Wheels That Carried Us,” and I’m shopping for an agent now.

No more sleepwalking, Mark.

So, to make sure you’re not doing the same, tell yourself this:

You’ve got cancer.

And it’s bad.

You’ve got 6 months to live, kid. A year, tops.

And any chance to make the most of your time left here has to start tomorrow.

What would you realize you have to finally get around to?

Now, we can’t all just constantly live our lives like we’ve only 6 months to live. (We might just end up with a ton of credit card debt.)

But if we compare the life we’re living to the one we would live if time were cut short, and they bear no resemblance to one another, well that’s on us. It’s our moral imperative to bring them closer in alignment.

So, once again, I regret to inform you, but you my friend, have cancer.

And if like me, the life you’re living doesn’t resemble the one can now envision, I say only this: happy remodeling.

 

 


  • Mark Radcliffe

    Thx, Portia! Yes, was quite a relief. Though was happy to have the universe give me a nudge! 💪


  • Portia

    Awesome! Definately no more living on autopilot!! I love the concept of what do you want to FEEL during this precious Life? See, do, be, go…..but ultimately, FEEL…..Congrats on not having The Cancer😊

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95% of life is spent on autopilot.

Then there’s the other 5%.